Alone
by Buffy-Angelus
Summary: Angel's falling apart over Wesley, Connor, and Buffy. This time, however, no one will be able to save him. *Not a huge crossover. I only made it a crossover because of Buffy quotes and Buffy appearance at end.* Please r/r!


"Alone"  
  
  
Summary: Angel angst. Angel thinks about his pain after "Sleep Tight"  
Time Frame: After "Sleep Tight" I don't know if Wesley died or not, but to me he looked dead, lying on the ground like that, throat slit, so I'm just going to decide he died. Not that I want that to happen, because Wesley's cool, but for the sake of the fic, he's dead.  
Disclaimers: Angel *sadly* isn't mine, and neither is anyone else on Angel or Buffy or any TV show whatsoever. I hate these disclaimers, because it brings me back to reality: I don't want to admit Angel isn't mine. In my world, he's ALL mine. HE'S MINE HAHAHA! Lol, the story is mine though. Even if *he* isn't.  
  
  
"Angel? Angel!" Cordy called, pounding on his door. Angel glanced at the door, shaking from the force, but stayed in his corner. His whole world was crashing down. Holtz had taken Connor who was probably dead by now and Wesley, the one to blame for Connor's capture, was dead. It was all his fault, everything Angel's fault. Yet there was nothing he could do about it.  
  
Figures and past, locked away emotions tried to leap out, haunting and controlling his mind. The past heartaches over Buffy, the losses of dear friends, even family... Everything came back to her. She was his reason of being, his reason for doing what he did.   
  
  
"Angelus: Now that's everything, huh? No weapons... No friends... No   
hope.  
Buffy closes her eyes and steels herself for whatever's coming.  
Angelus: Take all that away... and what's left?  
He draws the sword back and thrusts it directly at her face. With   
lightning-fast reflexes she swings up with both arms and catches the   
blade between the palms of her hands. She opens her eyes and meets his.  
Buffy: Me."  
  
  
Tears trickled down his cheeks as he remembered that horrible day, the one that lurked in his dreams and nightmares. The day Buffy had killed him.  
  
  
"Angel: (confused) What's happening?  
Buffy: (whispers reassuringly) Shh. Don't worry about it.  
She brushes her fingers over his lips and across his cheek. She lays her   
hand on his cheek and kisses him softly. He returns the kiss, and it   
becomes more passionate. Behind them the vortex has grown to about five   
feet across and continues to get larger. Buffy breaks off the   
kiss and looks deeply into Angel's eyes.  
Buffy: (whispers) I love you.  
Angel: (whispers) I love you.  
She touches his lips with her fingers again.  
Buffy: Close your eyes.  
She plunges the sword into his stomach."  
  
  
Angel's tears fell harder. His only love had killed him. Yet Buffy had done the right thing. He could still remember first speaking to her, her bright eyes and bouncy blond hair. She was so young, however so mature at the same time. Saving the world on a daily basis could do that to you.  
  
  
"Buffy: Who are you?  
Angel: Let's just say...I'm a friend.  
Buffy: Yeah, well, maybe I don't want a friend.  
Angel: I didn't say I was yours."  
  
  
He almost smiled, thinking of her innocence. How easy things had been, back when they were just two kids in love.   
  
  
"Buffy: The Cliff Notes version? I want a normal life. Like I had before.  
Angel: Before me.  
Buffy: No, Angel, it's not you. You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me. I just get   
messed sometimes. I wish we could be regular kids.  
Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid.  
Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend."  
  
  
One kids and her cradle robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend, to put it in Buffy's words. How in love could a vampire and a Slayer be? It was doomed from the start.  
  
  
"Angel: I just wanted to see if you were okay. And your mother.  
Buffy: We're both good. You?  
Angel: If I can go a little while without getting shot or stabbed I'll   
be alright. Look, this can't...  
Buffy: ...ever be anything. I know. For one thing, you're, like, two   
hundred and twenty-four years older than I am.  
Angel: I just gotta... I gotta walk away from this.  
Buffy: (nods) I know. Me, too. (whispers) One of us has to go here.  
Angel: (whispers) I know.  
They look at each other a moment longer and then close in to kiss."  
  
  
Everything had been hard for them, with of course the added everyday-ordinary couple problems. The numberous demons and baddies, plus the Apocalypses had made life on Hellmouth harder than normal.  
  
  
"Buffy: Hi.  
Angel: Hi.  
Buffy: So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware?  
Angel: I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like.  
Buffy: I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from.  
Angel: What are you afraid of? Me? Us?  
Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living."  
  
  
Angel's eyes got teary again as he remembered when Buffy had gone 'bad'. How hurtful she had been. Yet now she had moved on to the living. She had been with that farm boy for a long time, and then he had left her. How could someone hurt Buffy like that? Leave her all alone and miserable, unable to think or breathe?  
  
  
"Buffy: No, if you have something to say, say it. Angel, drop the cryptic, you're scaring me.  
Angel: I've been thinking... about our future. And the more I do, the more I feel like us- you and me, being together is unfair to you.  
Buffy: Is this about what the Mayor said? Because he was just trying to shake us up.  
Angel: He was right.  
Buffy: No. No, he wasn't. He's the bad guy.  
Angel: You deserve more. You deserve something outside of demons and darkness. You should be with someone who can take you into the light. Someone who can make love to you.  
Buffy: I don't care about that.  
Angel: You will. And children.  
Buffy: Children? Can you say jumping the gun. I killed my goldfish.  
Angel: Today. But you have no idea how fast it goes, Buffy. Before you know it, you'll want it all. A normal life.  
Buffy: I'll never have a normal life.  
Angel: Right. You'll always be the Slayer. But that's all the more reason why you should have a real relationship instead of this- this freakshow. I didn't mean that.  
Buffy: I wanna go.  
Angel: I'm sorry. Buffy... you know how much I love you. It kills me to say this.  
Buffy: Then don't. Who are you to tell me what's right for me? You think I haven't thought about this.  
Angel: Have you? Rationally?  
Buffy: No. Of course not. I'm just some swooning little school girl, right?  
Angel: I'm trying to do what's right here. I'm trying to think with my head instead of my heart.  
Buffy: Heart? You have a heart? It isn't even beating.  
Angel: Don't.  
Buffy: Don't what? Don't love you? I'm sorry. You know what? I didn't know that I got a choice in that. I'm never gonna change. I can't change. I want my life to be with you.  
Angel: I don't.  
Buffy: You don't want to be with me? I can't believe you're breaking up with me.  
Angel: I doesn't mean that I don't...  
Buffy: How am I supposed to stay away from you?  
Angel: I'm leaving. After the Ascension. After it's finished with the Mayor and Faith. If we survive, I'll go.  
Buffy: Where?  
Angel: I don't know.  
Buffy: Is this really happening? "  
  
  
He was able to do that, yet it hurt more than anyone had ever known. Buffy had always known it wasn't easy for him to leave, but she never knew how hard it hurt him. It hurt him more than anything in the world, hurting her. Somehow, though, he still did it all the time.  
  
  
"Angel: Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.   
Buffy: You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it. Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster. Angel, please, the sun is coming up!  
Angel: Just go.  
Buffy: I won't!  
Angel: What, do you think this is simple? You think there's an easy answer? You can never understand what I've done! Now go!  
Buffy: You are not staying here. I won't let you!  
Angel: I said LEAVE! "  
  
  
He wasn't worth anything. He wasn't worth it at all. How could he be, with all the pain he had caused? The innocents he had killed? Hurting Buffy thousands of times, letting Wesley die, Connor go with Holtz into another dimension? He didn't deserve to live. He was an evil being, a creature of the night. A blood-thirsty, ruthless thing. How could Buffy ever have loved him? How could anyone love him? He had nothing to offer her, he never did.  
  
  
"Angel: So you don't think about the future?  
Buffy: No.  
Angel: Never?  
Buffy: No.  
Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?  
Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.  
Angel: I know the feeling. "  
  
  
All they had was each other. She was everything to Angel. Without her, he was just an empty shell, unable to hear or see anything else.   
  
  
"Angel: Listen, if we date you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another.  
Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?  
Angel: I'm just tryin' to protect you. This could get outta control.  
Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?  
Angel: This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.  
Buffy: No. When you kiss me I wanna die. "  
  
  
He had caused so much pain. He didn't deserve to live, he deserved nothing. He *was* nothing. Not even Buffy cared for him anymore, though she was the only one that had ever truly cared.  
  
  
"Angel: Do you love me?  
Buffy: What?  
Angel: Do you?  
Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you.  
Angel: Maybe you shouldn't do either.  
Buffy: Maybe I'm the one who should decide!"  
  
  
The only one who had truly loved her, but he hadn't given her any reason to. The only thing he had ever proven to her was he was evil. She had never believed that though, she always believed in his good and never stopped loving him.  
  
  
"Angel: Shhh. I...  
Buffy: You what?  
Angel: I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop.  
Buffy: Me, me, too. I can't either. "  
  
  
They had loved each other more than life itself, though Angel had no life inside him. Buffy was the only person who made him feel alive again. Her and Connor. But Connor was gone, and so was she. Angel never deserved her. He only deserved pain. He was going to get what he deserved.  
  
  
"Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.   
Angel: What?   
Buffy: Crazy stuff.   
Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?   
Buffy: Are you fessing up?   
Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.   
Buffy: I don't love Xander.   
Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight. "  
  
  
Angel never got to be in the sunlight. All he ever got was the darkness of a lone corner or a small room. Sunlight. Yes, that was the answer. Sunlight could help him, relieve all this pain. All he had to do was wait for sunrise.  
  
  
"Jenny: Couldn't you just... feel her? Couldn't you almost smell her skin? You never were a fighter, Angel, don't start trying now. Sooner or later you will drink her.  
Angel: I'll never hurt her.  
Jenny: You were born to hurt her. Have you learned nothing? As long as you are alive...  
Angel: Then I'll die.  
Jenny: You don't have the strength to kill yourself.  
Angel: I don't need strength. I just need the sun to rise. "  
  
  
All he needed was the sun to rise then, and that was all he needed now. The world of pain would soon end, and he could move on and be at peace. Anything but the world, for it kept bashing and hurting him. The hurt would soon go, all he needed was for the sun to rise.  
  
  
"Buffy: I don't know what to do.  
Angel: Then let me decide for you. I can face this thing.  
Buffy: You can't.  
Angel: Look, I, I can at least buy you enough time for Willow's spell to bind it. Buffy, this is worse than anything we've ever faced. It's the only way.  
Buffy: I can't watch you die again.  
Angel: I love you.  
Buffy: I love you.  
Angel: Nothing can change that. Not even death. "  
  
  
Death hadn't stopped him from loving her once, and it wouldn't stop him this time either. He just hoped Buffy wouldn't think he had let her down again. That would just kill him even more inside.  
  
  
"Angel: How you doing?  
Buffy: Been better.  
Angel: Not hard to believe. You were a real soldier last night, Buffy.  
Buffy: That's me, one of the troops.  
Angel: I know how hard it was for you.  
Buffy: I really doubt that.  
Angel: If there's anything I can do to make it better...  
Buffy: Look, I know you only did what I asked, and we got what we wanted.  
Angel: I never wanted it to go that far.  
Buffy: I know that. It's not even a question of that. It's just... after... I need a little bit of a break. Please?  
Angel: You still my girl?  
Buffy: Always."  
  
  
She would always be his girl? Didn't seem like it anymore. Who would she be kissing and loving today? Whoever it was, it wouldn't be him. It would never be him again. She was gone from his life forever. And when the sun rose, she always would be.  
  
  
"Angel: My people -- before I was changed -- they exchanged this as a sign of devotion. It's a Claddagh ring. The hands represent friendship, the crown represents loyalty... and the heart... Well, you know... Wear it with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to somebody. Like this."  
  
  
He twirled the ring around his thumb, playing with it, remembering her. The one he would miss the most. Living, or being undead, came with a price. Everything always ended. This was his time, it would be his time. The ring fell to the ground. As he picked it up, he stared at the heart. So long it had been pointing out. Buffy... how much he wished not to hurt her. She'd get over it though. She always did.   
  
  
"ANGEL: Look, it's okay. I know you don't feel like it now, but you are strong, Buffy. You're gonna figure this out. And you have people to help you. You don't have to do this alone.  
BUFFY: (looks at the sky) It's gonna be light soon.  
ANGEL: I can stay in town as long as you want me.  
BUFFY: How's forever? Does forever work for you?"  
  
  
Forever. These days it wasn't long enough. He glanced at his watch. 5:15. Sunrise would be at 6. Only 45 painful minutes left in his horrible life.  
  
  
"Angel: Kissing her meant nothing. I don't want a bad girl. I've done that before. I've lived a long time Buffy, and I'm past that. I've been with dozens of girls like that, more.  
Buffy: Oh this honesty stuff is fun.  
Angel: There's no comparison. In 243 years I've loved exactly 1 person.  
Buffy: Oh. It is me right?"  
  
  
30 minutes left. He could almost taste the sweetness of death. Nothing to be afraid of. Just a few moments of excruciating pain, and then he would be free from it all.  
  
  
"Angel: You still haven't told me what you wanted for your birthday.  
Buffy: Surprise me.  
Angel: Okay. I will.  
Buffy: This is nice. I like seeing you first thing in the morning.  
Angel: It's bedtime for me.  
Buffy: Well, then I like seeing you at bedtime. Um... Um, heh...Y-you know what I mean.  
Angel: I think so. What do you mean?"  
  
  
Buffy was the only thing that made him happy, the only one ever to make him laugh. She never knew how much he hurt over her. There was a hole in his heart where she belonged. It longed to be filled. 15 minutes left. 15 more minutes of torture. 15 long minutes.  
  
  
"Angel: Am I a thing worth saving, huh? Am I a righteous man? The world wants me gone!  
Buffy: What about me? I love you so much... And I tried to make you go away... I killed you and it didn't help And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard... and that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. I can't.   
Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once... let me be strong.  
Buffy: Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what can. But do not expect me to watch. And don't expect me to mourn for you, because..."  
  
  
5 minutes. 5 minutes til doom. This time nothing would save him. This time, he would be left to die. The pain could flow out of him and he would be happy once again. Not happy, but peaceful. Things would be better this way.   
  
"Angel?" Buffy asked. Angel slowly turned his head. This time, it wasn't a flashback. This time it was just Buffy. "I heard about Wesley and Connor," she continued softly. "I'm so sorry."  
  
Angel didn't respond, tears just began to flow faster out of his eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry. Angel, you better go inside. Sunrise is in about 3 minutes," she said.  
  
"I know."  
  
"Angel, you have to get inside," she said, confused.  
  
"No. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of all this heartache. I can't deal with it anymore," Angel said.  
  
"Stop it. STOP IT! You can't do this to me, not now! Think about what you're doing to everyone! Don't leave us. We need you!"  
  
"No one needs me. I'm useless."  
  
  
"Angel: Hey. I was wondering when you were coming.  
Buffy: I'm not coming back. We're not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can't fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason. What I want from you I can never have. You don't need me to take care of you anymore. So I'm gonna go.  
Angel: I don't accept that.  
Buffy: You have to.  
Angel: How can...There's gotta be some way we can still see each other.  
Buffy: There is: tell me that you don't love me."  
  
  
"*I* need you. Aren't I worth anything?"  
  
  
"Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."  
  
  
"You're worth everything to me," he said, his voice cracking.  
  
"Then you'll get inside."  
  
"No."  
  
"Angel! You only have one minute!"  
  
"Good."  
  
"No, this won't happen."  
  
"No one cares. I'm not needed here anymore." Buffy pulled his head into hers and kissed him passionately.  
  
"I care. I always have. If you really care about me, you won't do this!"  
  
"Buffy..."  
  
"Angel please!" she shouted, tears pouring out of her eyes. "It's sunrise. Are you coming or not?" He paused, and then nodded slowly. Buffy breathed easily and the two walked inside, hand in hand.  
  
  
"Buffy: Stay with me.  
Angel: Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave. Not even if you kill me. "  
  
  
A/N: Please review! Hope you liked it, I plan to write a lot more soon. =) 


End file.
